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junovalencia
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Name: Elizabeth
Country: United States
State: Michigan
Metro: Grand Rapids
Gender: Female
Interests: dance and illustration as well as writing from time to time has been my interest, but strange as it may seem - figguring out people is my latest thing and I enjoy it to no end... people fascinate me, especially as far as ethics and a man's obsession with different things is always a worthy discovery.
Expertise: I am a hip-hopper at heart - I love dance,as it stirs a passion inside that I cannot describe, but it makes me push my physical limits where I may limp into the dance room and float across the floor when the music plays. I am no expert - certainly not at anything in this life for what qualifies one to be an expert ? that they know the ins and outs of a topic, but those ins and outs are decided by whom and what? Are not the limits showing that the subject is limited? Such a finite realm we live in and I have forgotten my point...
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  junovalencia
MSN: junovalencia
Yahoo:  ehjunovalencia
Member Since:
10/25/2004
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| Much of life is idyllic. We have formed an impression about what 'it would be like to ____________'. Most of us have ideals about marriages, relationships, what joining the army would be like, what our career would turn out to be, what living on our own would be, etc. We have ideas of things we 'would never do' with reasons such as 'I am just not that person' and I would agree - I'm not that person either but I have done it.
for the most part these presuppositions can hold up... for awhile, perhaps even through college.
Then something happens - expectations fall short - there are thing parents did not share with us - enlightenings which did not happen. We find our judgments of the people who have been in those situations were poor.
I find myself somewhere between the old and new self. Fearful of what I am losing of myself - happy of what is changing - scared of the new I am accepting - thrilled of how much more grounded I am in reality. Really upset at the lack of knowledge which was shared with me.
I find myself thinking... I am not this person... and then accepting - who is that person anyway?
Desperation is an interesting concept when out there - it pulls you twists you - what will you do to get a job - how far will you research - how thorough will you be, etc....
Don't judge so harshly - when you are in their seat you will find, you just might make a more costly decision than they ever did.
Then you have taken one step beyond - 'who they are' and have made your own mistake.
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| In an episode of SATC, well not just any episode, but the ill-fated one, where Carrie's ex bf Mr. Big marries someone else because she was too complicated.. yeah that one where we are reminded of anyone getting over us, no matter how quickly or slowly and falling into love with someone else so much that they decide to become to them what they never wanted to be to us...
Anyway in the end part of the episode - Carrie makes a reference from the movie 'An Affair to remember' - a reference I never understood- 'chick flick' - her friend samantha explains - which is the reason why Samantha is the only at the table who does not get the reference. anyway the song at thee end of the movie goes ' Memories like the corners of my mind, misty-water covered memories'. I have found this covers my feelings of grand rapids.
Much like any relationship with a person when it is over you remember the good things and gloss over the bad (right?). You focus on why it ended and cling to that resolve as though the resolve is the very key to the door to return - the reason why you keep the key is to avoid regret, but lack of return propels you forward into the possible.
As I have stumbled upon multiple reasons and openings to return... i find myself with Aleksander Petrovsky's resolve... lol - another SATC reference - I just watched another season... When Carrie asks him about traveling back and forth from NY to Paris - he says defiantly - I am done with NY, it's time for Paris now....
While I know that things would have to change far more dramatically for me to return to Grand Rapids for any extension of time, I'm not sure that I will stay in Baltimore...
Baltimore has been the abusive lover I never had. A man so beautiful that I want to stay and in the good times, its a fairytale, everything is delicious and beautiful, much like young love is, sunshine and all. But when times are rainy - sad, bleak, I find thoughts of other places come to mind. I long for something else. perhaps that means I need to take breaks more often or travel more. I found in my recent trip to Cali that while I explored San Diego and loved parts of it, I couldn't deal with the ugly. I found myself saying ' Cali is gorgeous, but it's nothing like Baltimore, which is a site to behold.' I am right... the architecture is very teasing and pleasing to the eyes, a virtual feast for most who appreciate what is set before them. I love living in the midst of it, but the domestic violence of my relationship with Baltimore is very real. When I am fit and viril - well - rested - I feel more alive than ever - climbing my 3 flights of stairs to my apt - dressing in tank tops when it is so humid outside that you would swear you were underwater. But other days when it is pouring rain and I was walking - exhausted from the parking space which is 6 blocks away and slipping out of my flip flops on the verge of tears... I wonder why am I doing all of this?
Is solving these problems simply a matter of finding housing which is on the first floor and with a promised parking space? Perhaps... but the loneliness is palpable. So tangible that I rarely speak of it, for fear of crying. I rarely address it for fear of confirming it's very real existence. It is my pink elephant in the middle of the room.
The wall that I have constructed to protect myself from those who I think might harm me or further digress my situation also shuts out any possibility of those who might nurture me. Fear has become a companion of mine that I wish to release, but cling to because it also keeps me smart and safe at times, saves me from poor irresponsible decisions which would leave me vulnerable, etc....
Before you feel sorry for me, which I think you would no doubt feel by now. seeing as I already feel sorry for myself after writing all of this. Please acknowledge as I do that I asked for this. I prayed the unthinkable that God would test me. That I would become healthier by whatever cost because I couldn't stand where I had brought myself. I wanted to feel stronger than I ever had before, but in the end I wanted to be better than I ever had been. I wanted to be my very personal best and to have humility on top of it. I wanted to be a strong dancer which had brought herself the whole way - i wanted that under my belt and I am getting there slowly and surely. It is the painful journey that I have ever been on and the road is lonelier than I had ever imagined, desolate, but there are gems which find me here and there. The sun peeks from beyond the clouds to warm my skin occasionally. So if you ever find yourself without much to do - drop me note - ask me about what classes I am teaching or what excites me nowadays in my work and I would love to share with you and it would deeply touch me that you would want to know.
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| Gosh - there was so much that happened this week. Before celebrating the good - I guess I feel as though I am angry and disappointed in the Christians around me and the people around me don't know what to do with my departure. Some of the ppl who are having the most negative reactions are the ones who never took the time to get to know me while I was here. So in the end I have no sympathy, only anger for those who wish I could give to their ministry, but don't take the time to appreciate and celebrate the person I am while I am here. Or even when they realize I am going setting up a one on one to talk to me... maybe that is one-sided....but I watched people do the same thing to Rachael and give her a guilt trip about leaving for LA so I am not about that. Plus I have great people in my life that celebrate my new experience and tell me to do it with wild abandon - don't look back and live my life that I am meant to live! I love that and appreciate all those who encourage me to spread my wings!
Baltimore is a mix of Italy and a third world country - parts are somewhat rundown, but between the rowhouses - the alleyways and the beauty of the architecture and history - it reminds me of europe's carefree spirit which roves it's streets and sings its praises.
There were so many experiences which enriched our time, but I will save that for coffee dates and those of you who will come out to visit us!
Confirmations were beautiful. The very day we arrived, Thursday we wanted to go get Thai food - I had already looked up directions to three different places. However at the last minutes we decided to walk down the block to this little irish pub which was down the block, literally as we walked out the door we decided to walk down there. As we get closer - we hear all these noises and I was trying to figure out if it was a train and Jim smiles at me. As we get closer Jim confirms that it is a drumline that we are hearing! We walk to this community center which is across the street from the irish pub. They practice only on Thursdays (this was the only thursday we would be in town). It's just warm enough that they decided to practice outside (if they were inside we would never have heard them). I thought 'OK GOD! Thank you for confirming!' I practically did a powwow in the street!
#2 - everywhere in Baltimore are these houses called rowhouses - they are unique and they are basically the only houses in downtown Baltimore - they don't have backyards, regular houses, nor driveways - it's a different culture altogether. I looked at Jim and said - basically isn't our place on Prospect a row house? I remember thinking it was a townhouse which is the same thing. I thought isn't it funny that God moves us to a new place which is symbolic of the city we may be moving to.... hmmmm.
#3 - Jim and I the entire week - worked together so well. I went to the teacher's fair and looked every principal in the eye and heard what they had to say about what they were looking for. Then if they happened to ask what I did - they were excited and wanted an afterschool dance club!!! I was so surprised because I was there for Jim, but teachers were begging for my resume so they could get started fundraising for the fall. I thought uhhh not so ready for this whole working right away thing, but ok....
the rest of the confirmations are in the photos....
A great moment we had was when we finally found a crabshack where you could buy the crabs and they had the newspaper on the table and you got to crack them open and everything. Besides the fact that it felt like you were doing a science dissection and at the same time getting crab pieces all over yourself while getting very little meat. This particular night being our last night in town - I dressed up a little which was a mistake because this place wa very casual. I look up at Jim halfway through the meal, spitting a crab bone in the direction of the pile of debri by the side of the table and smile. Jim says 'I love you'. 'why?' smiling again. 'Because ur my fashion girl, but you still get down and dirty once in awhile.' I loved that we had that moment. Jim also after shaking the owner's hand as we left remarked that the man's handshake was so tight that 'it could choke a gorilla'. I nearly died laughing.
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| So tonight was the best night I have had in a long time. I keep trying to recall everything that was good in it.
Had a wonderful rehearsal- great party with my girls- God really worked and I love spotting his huge fingers moving things around in my life and watching Him try to make me smile, by removing certain things and adding others.
Then this evening He blew me away. Here are only a few things which caught me off guard:
Brijette and her mother bought me three books. Anyone who knows me knows that I love to read and these books were awesome: Chicken and seafood recipes (all that seafood in baltimore), The best dance moves around the world (includes the hand jive, the pony, the twist and many other favs), and birds of north america (yyyeeeessssss! I'm a closet total bird dork... no really I am)
I got multiple talkative parents who came up to me and wanted to share specific compliments and remarks.
(I pray for that on a regular basis)
I was told by four people that I made them cry! Yeeessssss!
I loved how touched people were by my solo - that touched me because we definitely prayed about God's word going forth!
At the end of the last dance - I was standing in the back of the auditorium and as my two girls are supposively ending the show - they start talking about someone who they want to thank. Someone who has contributed 6 years of service - I thought wait I've contributed 6 years of service - nahhhh - they totally had a bouquet of flowers up there and wanted me to come up - total suprise- ps ya'll a bunch of bustas!!!
We were complimented in the hallway about how we were getting ready for prayer. Literally a mom stopped and said she heard someone say 'whoa whoa whoa' then someone responded 'hey guys let's pray.' It was a good moment because when a mom stops and comes back - you totally think you're in trouble for something and she said she was impressed. Bonus!
I was even told that the 'every season' dance should be danced at Madison Square (the secret is - it already was :) - this couple was away that weekend), that was touching though that I had beaten her to the punch :).
Then... best compliment of the night?.... I was told by someone who is a member of my church Madison Square that I reminded them of Kendra Beelen. Kendra is the daughter of the pastor - she doesn't even dance that much anymore, but she has done multiple dances that I looked at in wonder. She was one of my many first inspirations that pushed me towards the calling of dance.
Dinner with the team afterwards was truly icing on the cake- thanks for all who contributed to such a great night!!
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| you know I feel really misunderstood...
I want to be seen as how I really mean to be.
what I strive for, but perhaps not who I am.
Have grace.
I want to be bright
shiny
gorgeous
can't tear your eyes away
want to know more about this energy inside of me
want to know and want to stay
want to be near me often to thrive off God's energy from me
At the same time I want to be understood.
I want you to know I need you
to understand me
I need you to see my works and look into them
delve into the conceptual works of art I engage in - help me to see more in them
than the creators intent.
I need you to witness my life
and be proud of me
My father seems to have never been proud of me
so my new family, my family of friends needs to be
please care enough to be there
please don't give me lip service and then not show up
then you are no better than those who say they love me and know nothing about me
fishing poles for birthday presents (do I fish? no- newsflash)
It's my second chance at thinking maybe this life is worth something
That maybe all the demons that chase me
maybe just maybe I won't give up the fight
Maybe I won't lie down and say no more
what's the use of all the running, striving
I'm tired - can't catch my breath...
siiiggghhhhhhhhhhh.....gasp
But maybe
Maybe live to grace that stage one more day
to encourage one more man to love his wife
to inspire one more child to believe in their dream
to move one more girl to think she should be like me
despite my demons, fears, and tears all over the floor
when sometimes I don't want to be like me, maybe more than sometimes
maybe more than I would even admit here.
When will the truth penetrate? when will I hear the truth and believe
believe in the creator imprint on my very being that He created me with purpose
yet this turmoil penetrates and there are days when all I can do is curse the brittle nature
of my weak and limited body.
But perhaps God limits me to keep me from pride and vanity - the pitfalls which would
lure me from the throne into the spotlight
A cardinal visits me daily
I chase him with my eyes
readily taking in his lush hue - thinking it's the Spirit of God.
So the cardinal that visits me is me... when I thought it was Him.
It was His reminder of my beauty , but He's clipped my wings to keep me humble
and I find it so debilitating....
I want to grace the skies like the rest - I want to soar and feel the wind in my feathers
why not me?
Maybe you love me too much to let me go... maybe if you love something you gotta let it go
Maybe I'm afraid of you letting me go.
you cut me open and I keep keep bleeding love, keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love
you cut me open.
I don't feel like this next step I can take it.
Will you make me greater?
will you carry me?
You always have, but what happens if my wing breaks...
What if I have to drag my wing and still praise
maybe my red hue fades and I'm all alone thinking I'll never fly again.
what about my worst nightmare?
housewife, mother... Lord, Jesus no.
I''m a rebel and I need to move my body to express
any woman can be a mother (bad or worse or good)
not every woman can be a vigilante for you.
let me be wild - let me run ,
let me express the crazy soul imprisoned in this feeble body
Don't cage me please,
don't let me be caged by anyone or anything, stereotype or otherwise
but let me be wild and free for you
and for those who cannot be wild and free - let me
express the very pain and joy on their souls as well - let me overflow
Let me loose your Spirit within me
Let me reflect you.
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